Ask Chuck

Dear Chuck,
I have been secretly reading your blogs and your thoughts about love, relationships or marriage are very interesting. I stumbled on to your site by accident because I typed in relationship advice for women and forgot to add that I am also a lesbian. Anyway after reading many of them I was drawn to how open and truthful you were about your feelings when it came to love. I don't know how you feel about someone gay reading your writings and I really don't know if you know or understand what it feels like to be in a same sex relationship(because sometimes I don't understand it myself) but here I am reaching out and seeking advice from you. I been a lesbian I guess or think for all my life. The reason why I say I think I am is because before I officially became gay, I had a daughter from a previous heterosexual relationship. I was involved with my child's father for over 8 years, even though we seem to have a happy relationship I always found myself attracted to women. One day after a party with some of my girl friends I woke up naked next to a woman. I think that day I drank to much or got to high on drugs and things got a little out of hand, because that was my first time having sex with a woman. From that moment on I figured I was gay, so I went home told my then boyfriend it was over. At first he didn't understand why after a good 8 year relationship, why would I leave him and our daughter for someone else especially a woman. But after time we both adjusted and we both went on with our lives. Today I have visitation rights to see my daughter, my ex and I have a good friendship. I am able to see my daughter , my girlfriend loves her and my ex seems to be okay with me being gay. I know after reading this much you are now saying well what's wrong or what's the point life is good and you are happy being gay? Well I thought so too Chuck until I met someone new recently.

It happen when I went to a local barber shop where I always get my hair cut. Of course its always full of men, but even they(the men) after time stop bothering me because I am a girl and treated me as if I was one of the fellas. But one day while walking into the shop I found myself looking at one of the guys waiting to get his hair cut. He had a awesome smile, beautiful teeth, was cool as hell, smelled nice(hell he was right next to me) and was fine! He looked at me before he went into the chair then said hello lady. Me trying to be hard and because I am a lesbian brushed him off then didn't even speak. He had my juices flowing so much I had to have a deep talk with myself to remind me that I was gay. I don't know what it was about him but I couldn't stop looking at him and when he looked at me while getting his hair cut I would try look mean at him then turn away. I didn't want him to know that I was attracted to him and I wasn't about to let some good looking man ruin my relationship with my woman. Anyway we both got our hair cut and for some reason we left at the same time. I was on my way to my car when, he walked up to me then said if you don't mind me saying you are a very beautiful woman and I would love to get to know you. I looked up then said to him don't you realize that I am a lesbian? He smile then said something that really made me mad, when he said so I am. I hate men too, but I really love women. I got in my car then said to him," I bet you say that to all the women". He then reached out to me with is number in hand and then said, " No I don't because no woman I know is gay or a lesbian, but I still like you and would love to get to know you. Is that okay with you? I smiled at him then drove away.

On my way home I couldn't stop thinking about the man from the Barber shop and from some reason I began to question my own sexuality. I asked myself if was I gay and why if I am still attracted to men? It felt weird because I have been a lesbian now for 7 years and I was, so I thought happy being gay. There was nothing wrong with my relationship with my girl, but I must admit there are those moments that I felt something was missing. Now I have met a man that I am very attracted to that  has really turned me on. I walk into my apartment, my girl was there, then she says' hey babe how was the Barber shop? Her question caught me off guard (even though she has asked me this question a thousand times) but for some reason this time it felt different. I thought to myself how could she know and now I felt guilty. I answered by saying it was okay babe why do you ask? She looked at me then said babe are you okay? You know I ask you that all the time, did something happen at the shop? I said no babe I was just a little startled that's all. She smiled at me then walked over and gave me a kiss. We went to bed as if nothing had happen, but to my surprise, I had a dream about the man I just met. It was passionate, loving, thrilling , all of the above and in the end we even got married. I woke up in the middle of the night then looked at my girl and went back to sleep. The next day I woke up getting dressed for work when my girl asked me was I okay? I said yes babe why are you asking? She said because I heard you moaning in your sleep and you were smiling. Was you dreaming about us or were you dreaming about someone else? Chuck I know you wouldn't understand because you are a man, but a woman's intuition is almost never wrong, so I couldn't lie to my girl about my thoughts or dreams because she would know. I told her the truth about the man I met at the barber shop and now our relationship, is at a stand still because of it. My girl is a wonderful woman she told me I should explore my feelings to see if they were real or not and if they aren't then she would be right there waiting for me. Question is should I risk my 7 year relationship on a dream or desire of a man I just met or should I try to put all my feelings or thoughts aside, then continue to work on my relationship with my woman?
Thanks Julie

 Julie, of all the letters that I have received since I have been writing. yours happen to be the deepest and longest letter that I have read. It is also the most complicated! You are in a different world than I and one that I don't fully understand, but I do understand one universal word and that's love. This word LOVE is more than fun, lust, desire, want, a feeling, thought or stability its a real lasting connection between two people. Many people have gotten married or in a relationship because they thought they loved someone when in fact it was only desire, lust, want, need and because they enjoyed their partners company. Only after a few months or years they later realize that they have made a very big mistake. I noticed one big thing that stood out, when reading your letter. You seem to be very conflicted and haven't yet got a handle on who you really are. My advice to you is simply take your time, find out who you are first before pursuing another relationship. Find yourself, spend more time with your daughter and then ask yourself this very important question, What does Julie really want or desire when it comes to love? Whatever the answer is its only yours to make and only God himself can truly judge you. Good luck Julie, feel free to write and ask more questions in the future.
Your friend,


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